12.14.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:23 pm by JShughart
Well, yesterday I turned 20. Well, two hours ago was still yesterday but whatever. You know, my birthday comes and goes each year and it doesn’t really feel like I’m that much different. I might look a little different, sound a little different, but I’m still pretty much the same from year to year. I don’t think it really frustrates me all that much but I think it makes me boring to other people. Plus I usually get the sensation that I haven’t really accomplished anything in the past year. I’ve just kind of lived, done my thing, and that’s that. Plus, it reminds me of how many things I haven’t done yet another year has gone by. There are a lot of things most 20 year olds have done that I haven’t done yet (I’m not going to list any of them). I feel like sometimes, in the grand scheme of things, I’m really far behind so I’m kind of out of the loop. Oh well. It’s how my life works. And people wonder why I’m basically insipid all the time. It’s not that I don’t have emotions - it’s that most of the time I just hide them away so people can’t see them. I feel like most of the time people don’t want to see my emotions anyways - or even if I did show them, they wouldn’t really care. What can I say - I’ve been a cynic for a long time now, I don’t foresee it stopping anytime soon.
Although I will admit, like I said before, that when people mistreat me because I’m cynical, I really don’t appreciate it.
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12.02.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 2:07 pm by JShughart
The way I come across to people is one thing that’s really bugged me lately. The problem is usually that I say something and it comes across totally wrong and somebody gets offended by what I said. Or, someone will say “sounds like something you would say.” These are things that I’m over…self-aware about. Those who know me will immediately agree when I say that I’m cynical. I’m pessimistic when it comes to most things and I won’t trust anyone farther than I can throw them. I mean, it’s true though - by definition, a cynic is someone who doesn’t trust the motives of others and I very often don’t trust the motives of other people, especially when it comes to doing things that affect me.
I guess it’s kind of bad that I find the “bad” in everything - that is to say that I can find the downfall in almost anything and it’s almost what I search out. I’m afraid that it’s something that drives people away from me. It’s the way I grew up though - I could and still can’t really trust anybody but myself (I guess one would call those “trust issues”). It just came up today: a friend of mine was having issues with members in her group getting work done and I said that if it were me, I would have just done all the work because other people can’t be trusted to do the work to the proper level. I guess that’s not giving them enough credit, but that’s often the way I’ve seen it happen.
I think I wish that people would be more accepting of the fact that I’m critical about these things instead of chastising me for it. I don’t chastise people for being incompetent (well, most of the time), I just try to make up for it. I feel like I often get stereotyped because I’m going to provide a cynical opinion. I guess one would say that I’m stereotyping other people - and I guess that’s true, however they have proven their deficiencies. I on the other hand am just offering an opinion that is critical - which I don’t think there’s anything wrong with.
Meh. I guess though that all my facebook friends will be happy now that I’m not importing every xanga entry that I write onto facebook. Guess they’ll have to click on my links on my facebook profile to read them - oh wait, they probably won’t do that either.
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11.15.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:11 am by JShughart
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever. Ps 73:26
I saw that verse in Theology this morning and I was like “Wow, how powerful is that.” It kind of is how I feel right now. I feel like I as a person am failing at what I try to do and the only compensation I cling to is that well, I hope, that God will get me through it. I’m just not really having that good of a semester. Grades are lower, I feel worse, I can’t keep my mind tasked on things, etc. I am of the hopes that eventually God will drag me up from what seems to be this proverbial pit I’m in. I figure there’s a perfectly legitimate reason for me to be in this position, but that doesn’t really make it any easier for me to deal with.
I heard another thing in Theology this morning - that one of the things we do in sin is a that we use self-elevation/self-justification. What do I mean?
When you ask someone how they’re doing when you pass them in the hallway, you already know the answer don’t you? They’re going to say “good” or “well” (for the grammatically correct). It’s what society has trained us to do - to put up a barrier. Imagine if you walked by somebody you knew and asked them how they were doing, and they answered “Just horrible.” Wouldn’t you be in shock? I probably would be. We’re taught by others that we aren’t allowed to show weakness in this world. We are told that we always have to appear confident and proud, even though we may be beaten and broken down. And if you show that you are feeling bad, people automatically start to shy away from you (even though they may not realize it themselves). Most people ask the question “How are you doing?” Just to make it seem like they care about a person, but they probably would be in a bit of dilemma if a person doesn’t answer “good” (actually, I almost always answer “all right” or “okay” because that’s how I usually feel). We are taught that everyone else has their own problems and isn’t in the position to be dealing with yours (at least, that’s what I was brought up to think).
ie. In this world, if a guy is not confident all the time, girls will just flat up ignore him. Every girl wants a guy who is the epitome of the “superman” archetype - never showing or having weakness. Unfortunately for myself, I don’t really fit that archetype. Confidence isn’t really my thing - and most of the time I’d wager that I come across more crass than anything else (that’s part of my not being able to communicate well). Basically, if you aren’t somewhat conceded, you’re probably out of luck for a while.
Anyways…random musings from a person who’s broken.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 12:09 am by JShughart
1: If you ask me what nationality I am, you’re going to get the response that I don’t care what nationality I am. That’s the truth. I don’t care really where my ancestors came from or what country they hailed from or whatever. That’s just the way it is. Where my ancestors came from is of no consequence to me - they are long dead in the ground. All I am is a 19 year old male from Dillsburg, PA.
2: If you walk past me and I don’t say hello, don’t take that as though I’m purposefully ignoring you. My brain just isn’t wired to be all “hey, how you doing” and chit-chatting stuff like normal people. Social interactions just aren’t my specialty.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 12:09 am by JShughart
Title is short and to the point eh? Well, it’s just how I feel. I’m being pulled in every single different direction and it’s just draining me. I can’t focus on school work (I can’t even focus as well as I could last year), I’m always tired, and I just feel like I’m all over the place. I know, I guess I shouldn’t complain because I signed up for it, but it would be nice if things would cool down every now and again. It’d be nice if I could just go to a week’s worth of classes and not have to worry about ever remembering the stuff I heard in those classes again. Unfortunately, that will never be the case.
It’s such a stark contrast from back in the summer. I’d wake up, go to work, and come home. That was it. No meetings, no papers, no people (I think I liked that one the most). I mean, tonight alone, I went straight from a meeting that was from 6:30-7:45 to my apartment to spend two hours trying to fix my brother’s computer (which he destroyed basically) and not being able to get it fixed in that period of time. I come back and I have two quizzes tomorrow and other stuff for clubs left on the docket for today. I’m just tired. Unfortunately, when I’m tired, I’m wired, so if you run into me and I’m rude to you, please forgive me, it’s just always a bad day.
I need some time where the only face I see (or don’t) is my own. Unfortunately, that’s not going to be possible for a long time.
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Posted in Uncategorized at 12:09 am by JShughart
As all of you know - maybe you don’t - I’m not really about looks. Specifically my own. As I was getting into the shower earlier tonight and I asked myself what there is to like. Sure, I guess my physique is somewhat desirable but the messages are so varied. Some girls are all over me like there’s something interesting underneath my shirt while others give me the cold shoulder like it’s their job. I mean, I guess I’m somewhat attractive, but it’s not really something I feel like showing off. Looks to me come second. I just get so many mixed messages that it’s hard to tell who’s lying or trying to play me and who’s actually being honest.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t really show off myself. I would rather a girl be interested for how I am rather than how I look.
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09.21.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:09 pm by JShughart
It’s been like two months since I’ve written in here. That’s probably the longest amount of time I’ve spent not writing in here. Unfortunately, I don’t have anything dire or important to write about but, I can give you a short update on my life thus far:
July 12th 2007: I moved out of my house and into an apartment with my mom and brother as a result of horrible conditions at home due to my dad.
July 13th 2007: My dad repossessed the car I was driving while I was at work leaving me with no way to get home.
July 14th 2007: New cell number
August 17th 2007: I purchased a new car. Look for pictures of it on my facebook account. It’s awesome.
August 26th 2007: I started moving stuff into my room here at Messiah.
September 4th 2007: Classes started for this semester.
September 21st 2007: That’s today.
If you have any more questions, IM me, call me, message me on facebook, mail me, whatever.
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07.29.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:16 pm by JShughart
A few nights ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about being offended by things. I offered up that I don’t get offended by a lot. I mean, I think it’s pretty true. I find most things that people do to me as annoying, not offending. If a person makes fun of me, I’m annoyed by that, not offended. However, I did notice one thing that offends me and that it offends me a lot - and that’s people who are rude to me. For example, a few days ago at work, I had just been given something to do at the end of the day (with no real priority - just busy work) and I struck up a conversation with one of the supervisors in the office. I was talking with him about a piece of equipment we use at work to clean carpets. About a minute or two into it, my direct supervisor says really loudly “I CAN’T HEAR MYSELF THINK!” and then turns to me on his chair and says “GO!” I was like “Uhh..okay..” and walked away to go do my task.
At first I wasn’t really bugged by it, but more embarrassed. However, as time went on, I realized that he really offended me when he said that. From what I understand, he had no justification for being rude to me like that. I did nothing that warranted getting yelled at and nothing that warranted being spoken to rudely. The thing that bugs me more is that this isn’t the first time he’s been rude to me. I think I should be able to come to work and not be spoken to rudely. There’s no law against asking questions (a basis for snide/rude comments) or talking to another supervisor. I also resent the fact that I am the only person that I notice that my supervisor is rude to on regular occasion. I don’t think I’ve done anything yet that has required a snide comment or rude retort.
Maybe I’m taking what he says to personally, but I have yet to see any other person get the same sort of responses that I do. The only reason I ask questions is to learn, not to be a smartass. I don’t think that I’ve done anything wrong, but I still get “punished” for it.
So, make fun of me or do something annoying and all you’re doing to me is annoying me. But, be rude to me and you’re going to start offending me, and you’re going to be doing it rather fast.
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07.20.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:03 pm by JShughart
This is probably going to end up being rambling again, but it is my xanga entry/facebook note, right? That’s what I thought.
A few months ago, I wrote about my self-image. If you don’t remember, I basically said that I don’t really think much of myself. I’m not really sure of this, but I think I’ve figured out some of the reason behind this “problem.” I think a lot of it stems from the way I grew up. Very rarely did I hear “You’re special” or “You’re smart” or “You’re cute” (not that I hear those very often now, but that’s beside the point). More often, I heard “You’re stupid” or “You don’t know anything” or “You’re a lazy pile of ****.” I think that those kinds of comments contributed sub-consciously to my feeling of not really being satisfied with who I am. I can’t really stand there and seriously go “I dislike ‘this’ certain thing” about myself and actually mean it - I’m just generally dissatisfied in the general. I look in the mirror and just wonder what people would like about me, because I’m just not impressed. Rather often, it’s easy for me to see why other guys have such an easy time (sometimes, its hard to see why) with girls and the like.
I think it’s just that most of the time, when I try to do something, it comes to me very easily. I pick up things quickly and learn how to do them quickly. Doing dating and life has not come to me easily and I’m starting to lose my patience with trying to figure them out. Add to that my personality isn’t exactly one for fighting people and you have a person who just isn’t sure of themselves or much else for that matter. I think that one of the things that bugs me the most is that girls want a guy with confidence and I’m just not one of those people. I’d rather sit in the corner while things work themselves out as opposed to getting involved and messing up things. Sticking out of the crowd just isn’t what I do. I know it doesn’t really get me anywhere in life, but I guess that I hope that one day it will. I just kind of follow where life takes me. It’s a very hands off approach and it isn’t very attractive, but it’s just how I work. It’s like my self-image - I can’t affect how other people see me - they just see me and judge me. There’s no point in putting up a fuss about it because it doesn’t make a difference anyways.
But anyhow. They’re just some thoughts. Take them or leave them.
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07.16.07
Posted in Uncategorized at 6:04 pm by JShughart
Well. It’s been a long time since I’ve written in here…almost two weeks. A lot has happened within the past two weeks, but the most important stuff has happened within the past 5 days or so. So, let’s start with led up to the past 5 days. If you’ve been reading up on me over the past 6 months, you know that my dad’s freakin’ crazy and that we had to move out. Therefore, last Thursday, we moved out. Yeah, as in, I moved me and all my stuff out of my house into an apartment with my mom and brother, just to get away from my Dad. Yes, he is that messed up.
Thursday, we moved out almost all our stuff and it was several car loads (we had to leave some stuff there - we ran out of time - that leads up to another story). That day was rather hectic and very stressful. On Friday, I drove to work and came out for lunch and my car was gone. Yes, that’s right, my Dad came to my job and “repo’ed” the car (it wasn’t exactly mine anyways - he also did the same thing to my brother the same day - what an asshat). I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t have my wallet in there or I wouldn’t have had any money for lunch that day (and you wonder why I think he’s an asshat).
So, Sunday we went back to the house only to find that he changed the locks on our house! Seriously! He made it so none of us could get into the house! Well, we made short work of that by breaking in (the house is half my mom’s too - the asshat seems to forget). We then got more stuff, but had to leave my mom’s Christmas decorations there. Then he proceeded to call my cell phone and threaten to throw away her decorations (as though he actually has the right to do so), unless we return the stuff we took from the house (which wasn’t his anyways).
If you’ve read this far, I applaud you because you’ve read all that crap and are still reading. This week though is the week my Dad goes on notice that he’s in for a whole new world of financial pain. I’ll be glad to finally start getting revenge. He’s been torturing us now for over a year for something none of us can figure out. Well, he’ll have to figure it out really quick because he’s going to owe my mom a lot of money.
In conclusion though, right now, my mom, brother, and I are sharing one vehicle. Which means it’ll be tough for me to get anywhere for a little while (about a week or two during the week). I’ll probably also be stressed out because we’re still trying to figure out where to put all the stuff we moved and how to handle everything. It’s been an extremely stressful past few days so I would beg your forgiveness until we have a return to normalcy around here (because the past year has been what the lawyer called anything but normal). I’m still without a car until I can purchase one myself (which shouldn’t be too long). Until then though, I share. For other information, check out my facebook profile (it’s a little more private than this xanga).
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